Sticks and Stones

First, the bad news. The chances of your child being bullied at school in one way or another are about 50-50. Does that sound bad? Not necessarily. The likelihood is that it will be no more than an episode, relatively mild and of short duration – for a few days or so. Your child may assert – perhaps with an air of bravado – ‘I wasn’t bothered by it.

But there are other statistics drawn from a national study conducted by the author of over 38,000 Australian students which are somewhat less reassuring. Approximately one child in six reported being bullied by a peer or by peers ‘at least once a week’ and in some cases the bullying went on for months or even longer. Depending on the severity of the bullying – and the resilience of the victim – a child may report acute and prolonged distress, which can become a matter of serious concern for the child and family members.

Signs

There are usually tell-tale signs that a child is being bullied at school. There is an abrupt change of mood. A normally happy and carefree child may become anxious, angry and sad by turns, irritable, socially isolated, listless, unable to sleep, lacking in confidence and even physically unwell and seriously depressed. The child may not want to tell parents about it. Some feel ashamed to do so or believe that telling would do no good. What can a parent do about this?

Listening

Parents who listen – listen again and again – to what their children are saying, both the good news and the bad news, are the ones who will be told. Too often we are bent on telling them what to do. They will tell if they know they can get support. It has been said that the ‘family is the shock absorber of society.’ Not always, I’m afraid, but it can be. Research confirms what we instinctively know. The pain of being hurt and humiliated is lessened when someone who cares about us listens.

Doing

Having heard, what can a parent do? There are three things parents sometimes do. They may say: ‘Don’t come to me with your miserable complaints. Stand up for yourself. Show them what you are made of.’ In a fit of misplaced compassion they may say: ‘You poor thing. Never you mind those awful kids. You don’t have to go to that dreadful school. You can stay home.’ Or they may look at the problem realistically and say: ‘Things aren’t so good. Let us work out together what can be done to make things better.’ Only this last kind of response is likely to be helpful.

Exploring options

Consider together what might be done. Here is a list: Be more assertive. Sometimes bullies can be deterred if you stand up to them. Focus on the actual situations in which the bullying has taken place, how the child responded, how he or she could have responded – coolly, nonchalantly, firmly. What might be done next time? Avoid places where one is at great risk of being bullied. Whilst it is wrong for a child to be endangered anywhere at school or between school and home, it is sometimes a matter of commonsense to make sure that you are where it is safe. Make friends. Having friends who can help you when you are in a spot of trouble is a bonus. Children who are victimised at school are often those who are most isolated.

Get the bullying stopped

Getting the bullying stopped If the child can be instrumental in getting the bullying stopped at least partly through his or her own initiative, then the rise in self-esteem of the victimised child is phenomenal. This is one reason why it is so important that the parent does not ‘take over’ but involves the child in the planning and execution of what is to be done next. Again we can ask about the options. The parent ‘sorting out’ the bully personally. Sadly, some parents have been known to do this, ‘invading’ the school yard to accost the bully. Outcome disastrous. The parent approaching the parent of the bully or bullies. As one might expect, the parents of the bully tend to reject any charge that their child is responsible for the bullying. Outcome, usually disastrous. The parent may approach the school and discuss the problem with a teacher. I would like to say that this is invariably a successful course of action. Increasingly schools ARE dealing sensitively and effectively with bully/victim cases, but they do not always do so. Still, there are ways of maximising one’s chances of having the problem dealt with successfully.

Talk to the school

Here are some suggestions about going to school to talk about your child being bullied at school.

  • As far as possible ensure that your child is supportive of your talking with the school about the problem and discuss together what you are going to say.
  • Make an appointment and carefully prepare for the meeting. Be ready to describe the facts of the case: both what (in your view) has happened to your child and how your child has been affected.
  • Although it may be difficult, try not to be angry or accusatory in any way.
  • Be firm. Your child has a basic right to a safe environment at school and this must be insisted upon.
  • Treat the matter as one in which you can collaborate with the school in reaching a solution.
  • Make sure before you leave that you are clear about what the school has agreed to do and what expectations they have of you.

How can schools help?

Currently schools have different ways of dealing with cases of bullying. Some rely upon the use of rules and sanctions to be applied to perpetrators of bullying. These may include detentions, loss of privileges at school, serious talks with their parents and, in extreme cases, suspensions. Some, however, place more emphasis upon ‘problem-solving’ approaches, which can include mediation and counselling. Carried out skilfully in appropriate circumstances, either approach can be successful in bringing the bullying to an end. Sometimes, as a parent one needs to be patient, as changing human relationships is never easy, and requires thoughtful efforts by teachers, parents and children. But it should never be forgotten that every case of bullying matters deeply and it is the duty of schools and parents to do everything they can to stop it.

Can I bully-proof my child?

Parents would dearly love to have a child who could not be bullied. Is this possible? Alas, no. In some environments we can all be bullied. But we can reduce the likelihood to some extent. When children have good social skills and have had plenty of experience in mixing with other children they are less bully-able. Hence, do not over-protect your child. When families are very enmeshed, inward-looking and isolated, it can be difficult for the children when they go to school. Rather, encourage them to reach out to others, take risks sometimes in their relationships and learn from any difficulties or misfortunes they experience. It is good for children to feel secure – and good parents help children to be secure, but in time they must come to see that one cannot be safe in this world all the time, that, as Alan Watts put it, there may indeed be wisdom in insecurity and what we cannot change we must accept.

Some reading

Rigby, K. (2001) Stop the bullying: a handbook for schools. Melbourne: ACER. Rigby, K. (2002)

New perspectives on bullying. London: Jessica Kingsley.

A website: www.education.unisa.edu.au/bullying/

Published in byronchild/Kindred, issue 3, September 02

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