“Co-parents must share the goal of making it as easy as possible for their children to move between their two homes.”- Ron L.Deal, author The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.
“How do we keep a consistent loving connection when our children are away from us as much as, or more than, half the time?” This is the question I am most frequently asked when parents, whose children go back and forth between two homes, read my book, Connection Parenting, or attend my parenting classes.
Whether we are divorced parents, have family members who are divorced, or have friends who are divorced, we are all affected by divorce. I grew up the child of divorced parents. The last thing I ever wanted for my children was for them to grow up the children of divorced parents, but they did. I write this article from both the child and the parent experience of divorce.
Building a strong parent-child bond requires consistent loving contact between parents and their children. Staying connected to our children, in today’s lifestyle, is a challenge that requires planning, effort, and commitment, even when our children live with us full time. Staying connected to our children when they must travel back and forth between two homes requires more planning, more effort, and more commitment.
Since I have friends and family members whose children go back and forth between two homes I began my research for this topic by interviewing both the parents and the children about how they stay connected when they are apart. Both the parents and the children told me that how connected they stay when they are apart depends on the relationship between the divorced parents.
Some divorced parents co-parent. They have weekly phone calls or meetings to discuss their children’s needs and make plans for meeting those needs. They try to be consistent about rules and routines in their separate homes and, even though they have joint custody and a predictable schedule, they are flexible to meet their children’s needs.
Some divorced parents parallel-parent. They communicate only when necessary. Frequently one parent drops the children off to school or daycare and the other parent picks them up. The rules and routines may be very different in each home and there may be little flexibility around scheduling.
Children whose divorced parents work hard to communicate and cooperate say they feel free to call and email their other parent when they are apart. Children whose divorced parents have difficulty communicating and cooperating say they don’t talk to their other parent much when they are apart.
It is our job to meet our children’s emotional needs. One of children’s greatest emotional needs is to have a strong connection with both their parents. When parents are divorced, ‘for the sake of the children’, the adults in the family need to support children in maintaining connection with both their parents. When both parents agree to support their children in maintaining a close connection with their other parent there are many ways to stay connected when you are apart.
Older children can call, text message, and email their other parent on their own. Younger children will need their parents to facilitate their communication. A ‘check in’ phone call earlier in the evening is often easier on everyone than a ‘good night’ phone call at bedtime.
The best way I know to maintain consistent connection, whether we are together or apart, is to establish special connection rituals with each child. Making connection time part of the daily routine when our children are with us makes it easier to maintain connection when our children are away.
Reading together is a ritual that we can also do over the phone when we are apart. For young children mom or dad could read a story to each child on the phone before or after dinner, while their other parent is preparing or cleaning up from dinner. For older children we can read a chapter or a few pages from the current read aloud. Doing the phone reading before or after dinner connects you and still leaves the bedtime story for the parent putting them to bed.
Divorce is not the only reason parents and children are sometimes apart. Whether a parent is travelling on business, hospitalised, in the military, or incarcerated, children need us to find ways to keep the bond strong. Just as children need us to spend a minimum of ten minutes a day, one-on-one time connecting with them when they are with us, they need a minimum of a phone call, an email, or a card or letter every day, if possible, when we are apart.
No matter how long or short the call or message, and no matter how much or little each has to say, the action of reaching out communicates the messages, I’m thinking of you, I care about you, I love you’, that help children feel connected to us even when we are apart.
Staying Connected Part 2 will focus on helping children cope with some of the challenges of travelling between two homes.
Part 2 will be featured in the November edition of Kindred Spirit – the Kindred magazine e-newsletter. Subscribe to the newsletter here.
Resources:
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D.
Between Two Worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt
Cooperative Co-Parenting During and After Divorce, article by Pam Leo www.connectionparenting.com