There is no such being as a sinful, bad or wicked child. Any such feelings and judgments come from within you; they are from your own past. Parental hell is when you have banished painful feelings into your unconscious and you are projecting them onto your child. Parental heaven is when you see your child through the eyes of delight.
To see your child through the Eyes of Delight is the greatest gift in the world you can give to your child and to yourself. Viewing a child with anything other than delight really says more about the viewer than the child. Obviously children do experience distress and they do act this out; it means they need good attention from aware adults to help work something out. They are still inherently delightful. Adult responses of judgment and shame are not about the child; these responses are projections of feelings the adult carries inside himself.
Remember NOT to trust the thinking of anyone who sees your child through anything other than the eyes of delight. There really are no “bad” children. Your child is completely good and delightful.
Heaven is seeing your child through the eyes of delight. A little bit of heaven is when you tenderly embrace and look adoringly into the eyes of your newborn baby.
Hell is when your vision is so distracted by demons that you see the sacred being who is your child as shameful and disgusting. You are in hell when you are overtaken by your own unhealed shame (the Devil) and fall victim to the tormenting emotions of embarrassment, anger and loathing. You are in hell when you buy into the lies that it is for your child’s good that you be in this hell together and that you punish him for his wickedness.
I think the truth is that we punish our children when they need our love more than ever. When they are having a hard time and showing us their distress, they most certainly need our attention, but our loving and thoughtful attention. It makes sense, then, that it’s hard to see our children through “The Eyes of Delight” when they’re showing us their distress or their zest.
The way out is simple. We must delight in and love ourselves unconditionally in order to truly delight in and appreciate our children. The alternative is to suppress them so that we won’t feel so bad.
To see your child through the eyes of delight is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your child. It requires that you willingly pay the price of good attention. What you receive in return will be amazing. The reward for attention is always healing.
We must not abandon our children to the distressful patterns of isolation that they will show us. Remember to see your child through the Eyes of Delight. Know that deep inside they really do want to be completely close to you. Have fun with it. Keep reaching in for your sweet child.
These excerpts are from The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses.
