(Read also, My Halloween Survival Plan!)
It’s Halloween time, and once again our newspapers are spooking readers with stories about “creepy food.”
So what are these creepy foods? Heart, liver, kidneys,, sweetbread, tripe and other organ meats. Bones are considered especially gruesome as can be seen in blood curdling photos of chicken feet “clawing” their way out of bowls of festering broth
What a grave mistake to consider these nourishing traditional foods too creepy to eat.
Traditionally, families honored the animal by eating all edible parts of it. It was the frugal thing to do, and people instinctively knew that organ meats fostered good health. As for bone broth, it’s long been the ticket to healing anything that ails us. It’s even been called “Jewish penicillin” and in South America said to “resurrect the dead.”
What frightens me is the millions of people caught in the web of the bloodsuckers at Big Pfood and Big Pfarm. Far too many creepy products to name here. My motto is “If it’s got a label don’t eat it” because most foods that require labels have what I consider very creepy ingredients.
But here’s a few nominations:
■ Trans fats. Partially hydrogenated in Transylvania? No, here in the USA. But I expect Count Dracula’s blood is now polluted with them. Could be that’s drained his life force so much that he has only enough energy to drink the “fast food” of people with high blood pressure.
■ Undead Burgers. Witness those internet pics of a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” that shows no signs of decomposing after months of sitting out. Clearly no need to ask, “Want flies with that?”
■ Caca Crispies. Proposed name for pet kibble, livestock feed and fish farm rations in which soy protein is mixed with animal doody. Slogan should be “Snap, Crapple and Poop.”
■ Count Chocula — and other breakfast cereals from the dark side. Call them “Cereal Killers.”
■ Ghoul Aid. Preferably readymade packaged and instant in Lemon Slime Flavor.
■ EdaMummies. Chocolate covered green soy beans. Wrapped up in smug health claims.
■ SPLBLBLBLBT! A rude raspberry to raspberry candies. Dunno which is the creepiest ingredient. The HFCS and other sugars, the red die or the castoreum (anal secretions from beavers)?
■ Ice Scream. Pfish sounds, and fish flavors might taste creepy. And there’s also Viagra Ice Cream. (I am not making this up!) Sold only to those over 18. Truly Vice Scream.
Today, I plan to make bone broth with my Halloween skeletons. Preferably the those of vegetarians since they insist they taste better. Bone Appetit!