The Birth of Kathrynn

I decided that I needed to get just a bit more sleep that morning when the alarm went off. I turned it off, rolled over, and slept. After all, it was Christmas Eve- I deserved a bit of a break. Especially since it had been ages since I’d had a good night sleep. Hard to get that when you’re peeing every two hours. Good practice for when the baby comes, they told me. Um, OK. I always had mixed emotions when someone “predicted” my future for me. Maybe my baby would sleep fine at night. Maybe she wouldn’t. But don’t put me in your box, please.

Ugh, I thought to myself, as I bent over to feed my outside cats their breakfast. My leggings were digging into my stomach. I pulled out the waist band to loosen them a bit. Pants must be too tight.  Since I was two weeks from my due date, I guess it made sense that these pants too would be put into the “too small for preggers belly” pile. But even after rearranging my waistband, my stomach still felt uncomfortable. No big deal, I was getting used to that. The last month had been filled with change; aches, pinches, tugs, jolts as my belly grew. It was all new to me. It was marvelous, really. I knew it meant I was getting closer.

I went up stairs, and laid down on my bed. If I lay down, just for a few minutes, I’ll feel better. Ten minutes later, all was back to normal, and I could get on with my day. I had a lot to do. We were having our annual Christmas party that afternoon. I still had to finish wrapping some presents, had to get some lunch stuff together, and then be ready to leave after the party to go into town to meet my father in law for a Christmas gift exchange.

The day went well. I acted as the gift coordinator for our party- distributing the gifts, moving around, being useful. It was fun. After the party it was time to get ready to head into town, a thirty minute drive, so I quickly went outside to give my cats their dinner. Ugh, I thought as I bent over to put food in my cat’s bowls. There was that same pain in my stomach. These pants were huge. No constriction going on here. Well, keep moving. Up the two flights of stairs to get my purse and coat. Into the car. Noticing that the pain in my stomach was still there. Even though I was sitting and relaxing. Well, just another of those changes my body is going through, I thought to myself. Who knows what some of these sensations are all about, except getting my body ready for the baby to come through. Hmm, seems all clear now. Whoops, there it is again. Hmmm, all clear now. OK. Back to norm…whoops. I decided to silently keep track of these “whoops” as we drive into town. About every ten minutes I had a whoops. But as we get closer to town, they seemed to fade.  I felt an excitement rush over me as I was experiencing all this. It was exciting, but also scary, as I was unsure what was going on.

Once inside, the “whoops” returned. I sat facing a clock, so while we were eating sushi, talking, opening presents, I took sneak peaks at the clock. I started breathing a bit more deeply, exhaling slowly so as to not let anyone else in on the discomfort that I’m experiencing. So are these are the cramps they told me about? That would be the first sign of labor? L A B O R- there it is, and here it had begun, I slightly acknowledged to myself.

Thank god for the blizzard outside or we might have decided to see a movie. I mean, I wasn’t quite 100% convinced that this was it. That I should get home asap. It was different for us. We live in the country, away from town. The last thing I wanted was to give birth in the Hospital. So it was crucial that if I was going into labor, I be at home.  Anyway, despite not know whether I was indeed in labor or not, we hit the road.  We swerved down the road, running into the side of the road more then once. I never seemed to notice that the tyres were this bad, I thought to myself. I breathed deeply. Exhaled slowly. Being calm. I decided to casually tell Wes, my husband, that I think I might be in the beginning stages of labor. Bad timing on my part- for telling him, that is. This news made him the most nervous person I’d ever seen. So nervous that I was tempted to take the wheel. But didn’t want to move out of my seat, where I was doing quite well being calm- breathing, exhaling. I told myself it was all going to be fine; that we were going to make it home safe and sound and that I was going to experience labor outside of this car. I had to chuckle a few times- some mamas are worried that they won’t get to the hospital in time for their birth. That would have been easy for me, as we actually passed the hospital. I, on the other hand, was worried that I wouldn’t get home fast enough for my home birth!

Close to an hour later we made it home. By this time it was around 8 pm. I’d been having mild contractions for about two hours. We went up stairs to our room, and decided to watch Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and relax. Easier said then done. We laid down on the bed and I tried to relax. I closed my eyes, kept breathing and started to exhale a bit more loudly now. Then I started to keep my eyes closed and began to count to myself as I exhaled. Just to keep my mind busy, I guess. I decided I couldn’t lie down any longer and got up.  I did some busy work. I paced a bit.  I’m not ready for this yet, I said to myself. I still have two weeks to prepare. I have things to do yet. I’m not ready for this yet, am I? Well, yeah, I guess I was. I did get most of the prep stuff done early, just incase. I became more and more excited, but also anxious. Wow! My baby is finally going to come. Can I do this? Can I actually be strong enough to give birth? I kept my mind clear of negative thoughts, and stayed in the present. Regardless of my fears, emotions, and hesitation for what laid before me, I couldn’t turn back. Things were moving along like a stream that is grows into a river- gaining speed and momentum, faster and faster- only to end with the waterfall, and the calm pool of water beneath.

Ok, so Gay finally was on her way. Oh good. I felt better knowing that. I enjoyed the bath for awhile. I looked at how my belly was changing as the contractions came and left. I liked how I could lie in the water between contractions and be comforted by the water. Wes was there with his stop watch, keeping track of the time. I was keeping track of my breaths. After awhile, the bath wasn’t seeming to help. My back racked with pain with each contraction. I tried to twist and turn in the tub, into a position that was helpful. But my belly was too large to do much of that. I got out of the tub and waddled down the hall to our bed room, past my housemates who were looking quite interested in the turn of events for that Christmas Eve night.

Our room was gently lit with candles in red votive holders. Soft music was playing. It was calming for me to be back in my space. It started to settle more and more that I was going into labor. I kept doing what I knew- to breath deeply, relax my mouth, and exhale fully. I tried a few different positions. Wes and I did a bit of dancing. It was weird, how calm I felt in between contractions, and how intense it felt while in the midst of the contraction. It took over all of my being. It was powerful. But kind, with the breaks, which allowed me to remain calm and comfortable, and not completely scared out of my wits by what was happening.

I thought back to one of my prenatal appointments with Gay. Just don’t have your baby on Christmas, she joked. The minute she said that, I got a weird feeling inside. But I was silent. Silent.

It was approaching midnight. Kay, one of my housemates came in. She was to be my doula. A acupuncturist by trade, she rubbed my points, to help bring the baby down. She rubbed my back. My husband held my hand. My housemates mates looked on, not sure what was going on, separated from the event at hand. What was going on was beyond them. Either you were a participant, or an observer. And the observers just didn’t get it. Kay told them they might as well go to bed. It would be awhile. Whew. Alone at last. Just Kay, Wes and Jim, Kay’s husband and the photographer, were left. All were quiet. They were there for me. They were participants. My discomfort became their discomfort. My pain became their pain. Well, maybe not that far. But their presence made all the difference in the world. They served me completely, in spirit and in physical form. The pain was enormous for me, but in retrospect I understand that the Energy, God, the Goddess, whatever you want to call it, supported me so graciously during my process.

I heard the phone ring: Gay’s car was stuck in the snow. Her assistant was on her way, but it would be awhile before she arrived. I spoke with Gay. I guess at last I had convinced her that it was indeed necessary for her to come. She borrowed her neighbor’s SUV, and was on her way. I continued my breathing. My counting. My moaning. Inside moaning. Inside praying. Oh Nityananda. Oh Rudrinanda. Gurus, help me here. I laid on my side on my bed. Wes was holding my hands, although it was more like I was squeezing the blood out of his hands, and Kay was pressing on my back, continuing to work on my points. I was uncomfortable on the bed, but it was nice to be lying down in between contractions. Then I could rest, be still. Oh, the stillness between was wonderful! I waited patiently for those moments. When I could stop the counting, stop the waiting for the contraction to be over, I could just be. But, I was anticipating the next one after awhile. And it became a cycle. A progressive cycle that would produce my baby.

At 2 am, approximately 5 hours into hard labor, my midwives arrived. They prepared their equipment, and sat down to wait.  After a quick check, I was 7 cm. Well on my way. I decided to change positions, as I was increasingly uncomfortable on my side. My back ached so horribly! There were many times when I questioned whether I could continue. I was in such agony. But I knew I had no choice, and that I just had to continue to ride the wave of the process.

I changed to a squatting position at the end of the bed. Oh!!!  Much better. Things progressed quickly after that. I was complete by 4am. Gay told me I could start to push.  I have to say that I felt no urge to push. I was fine with how things were going. But I did want to see my baby, so I agreed. Gay got out the birthing stool, and I began to push. By God! This was the hardest thing I had ever done. It was not natural for me, and I had to force myself to do it. I bore down as hard as I could. In between contractions I drank water, as each contraction felt like I had run miles. My face was bright red. I felt like my checks were going to explode from the pressure.

It wasn’t more then a few contractions that my midwives could see Kathrynn’s head. I kept on. In my state of exhaustion, I asked Gay if she couldn’t just reach in and pull her out. I was serious, but everyone around me just chucked, as if I was joking. But I wasn’t. I was serious. I was ready for this to be over.  I was not prepared for this part of the labor. I had read various accounts of how women “know” it is time to push. They have the urge. This wasn’t true for me. The previous part of labor had been easier for me, as I rode the waves of labor. I was a passive participant, in a way. Now I had to work. It was me taking hold of the process, not just letting things “happen.” I prayed silently to my gurus, to the Goddess, to the Energy to make this process move through to completion. I didn’t know if I could do it, but yet had no choice. My body just kept moving through.

It seemed like it would never end, like I was progressing so slowly. But by 4:45 am Kathrynn was crowning, and ten minutes later she was in my arms. She came out so fast at the end. Gay actually told me to stop pushing after her head went through, but Kathrynn was ready to come out. Wes was able to maneuver himself quickly so he was able to catch Kathrynn and transport her into my arms. Wow, what an amazing feeling it was, to be holding my little baby in my arms. I talked to her, told her how brave she was to travel such a journey, from way inside of me, into my arms. It took a few minutes to remember to check if she was a girl or a boy. Of course, I already knew in my heart that she was a girl. But I checked the body parts, and announced her gender to the world. I smiled so big, pleased with my inner knowing. I looked at Kay, as she had known too.

The rest is history, shall we say. The placenta was delivered without problem. She began to nurse about 30 minutes after being born. We called the relatives to wish them a Merry Christmas, and announce the news. And we spent Christmas in bed.

Being pregnant was the easiest part of my introduction into parenting. Yes, I had morning sickness. Yes, my ankles swelled, and I lost feeling in my right hand 6 months into my pregnancy. But it was a beautiful time. It was just Kathrynn and I, together in peace and complete intimacy. After she was born, I actually missed my enormous belly. I missed caressing her inside me, singing to her, and being still with her. But I soon forgot about those days as I caressed her beautiful body as it now existed in this world, sang songs directly into her ears, and nursed and held her for countless hours, just the two of us connecting to each other. 

There is nothing like childbirth. Nothing so raw, and yet beautiful. To feel every bit of it, naturally, without being dulled was raw. I experienced something I now call extreme discomfort. If truth be known, at the time I swore I would never go through this again, I was in so much “pain”.  It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. Now I can detach from the word pain to describe the process more positively, and honestly do not look back on this process as one that was “painful” perse. Instead, I view the process as something beautifully and magically intense. My body took complete hold of me for 8 short hours. My mind stopped functioning as it usually does. I was in the present in a way I had never been before. I feel like my experience was so simple and short, like nature intended. I had no complications, no days upon days of labor. I will be eternally grateful to the Goddess for shedding such light on Kathrynn and me.

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