The thread that runs from my last entry is this: my intuition to delay our conception attempts. And of this, I will write today.
As much as I had intended to let go of linear and external ways of controlling my experience in this child-bearing journey, Sebastian and I have been on a four month process of preparing to conceive. For him, it meant giving up coffee and alcohol (mostly), for me, I went a little deeper, attempting to get fitter, clearing emotional issues and nourishment on all levels- physical, spiritual, emotional and mental.
There has been a culmination of events and processes that have come together that has led me to the choice of putting off conceiving for a little while.
As part of my own preconception nurturing, I did something I had been wanting to do for some time- I undertook my first reiki attunement. When a person undertakes this attunement, the person spontaneously goes into a four week long energy cleanse- one chakra organically is agitated and balanced a day, and the whole process of the seven chakras being cleansed happens four times (at least, this is my understanding of it- those more knowledgeable of reiki will have to forgive my green explanation!).
This process, along with other emotional work I had been going through, including a long process of examining my life and the way I live my life- in particular my motivations for becoming overcommitted to a range of activities- brought some deeper strains of life to clarity.
I came to see this: the way I choose to interact with the physical world (money, food and so on) is almost dissociative, and I need to both take more responsibility and engage in more presence with the tangible; my ego is a controlling force in my life; my emotional and physical body is calling out desperately for nurturance; and the current situation in my life- mismanaged finances, Taj needing so much presence to navigate the coming into awareness of himself as an individual, and truly defining (or at least surrendering to a lack of definition in following a life path divinely) my place in life and community- is not one that it is truly positive to receive a baby into.
In addition, in response to a birth and death event that occurred within a friend’s life, I was confronted by the fragility and intangibility of life at the gateway of the physical plane: that pregnancy and birth can ultimately be one in which wellness and life itself can be so precarious.
I found myself, despite also the love and attunement to spirit on one level, the unveiling of deep fears that I was not aware of. Whilst the things I feared were only indirectly relevant to my friend’s experience, I found myself contemplating a deeper need to surrender to the fact that the outcome of birth is uncontrollable, that I may go through trauma again, that my baby or I may die, or a myriad of other things may happen.
I was placed firmly within all my fears, and this was almost overwhelming. To acknowledge this was also to contemplate the contradiction of surrendering to the pregnancy and birth’s own flow, and at the same time, my own responsibility in making the best choices for a peaceful and healthy birth for my child.
So the past few weeks were ones in which all I could do was sit with the turmoil as it centred around me. There were some incredibly hard days in which I felt my whole life was falling apart. But there were new wellsprings of insight and wisdom too.
I want this baby so much, but at the same time, during those days, which included my bleed and a few days leading up to ovulation- I began to feel disconnected with the spirit of the baby who I had felt so strongly over the past months. I think this disconnection came from the massive amounts of energy taken to be present to all the things that did not feel right at this point- the fear, the turmoil and all of that.
I felt that even in every cell and every organ I was holding this fear and turmoil, and I believe, that to take a baby into my body at this time would have implications for the baby’s birth and even personality as he or she was to grow.
Even so, to make the decision not to attempt to conceive that month still seemed so radical to me- this baby, already so loved, and my expectations so strong that this was the time- were hard to deny.
The final thing that led to my choice was a trust in my intuition. The night before my bleed- which would have marked the start of our “intending to conceive month”, I started to create a little welcoming ceremony. Sebastian and I had talked of holding a ceremony to welcome the new soul and to shift from the mindset of conception being a future to a present intention in a place we hold sacred and dear.
Whilst I jotted down some ideas for the ceremony the night before we were going to undertake it, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that was a mix of repulsion and wrongness. My intuition was telling me clearly it was not time.
And so, my choice was made, and Sebastian accepted this with grace, even though I think he is privately feeling a deeper sense of loss.
Since then, we have found the strength not only to put off conceiving for a month, but until I am at a healthy weight, these emotional issues find a greater sense of equilibrium, and perhaps we improve some practical issues such as our financial position.
And so, the lesson that this child has taught me over the last few weeks is the strength that comes through intuitive alignment. It certainly hasn’t been without pain to follow my intuition with this, but I have found a deeper connection with my own sense of accountability, as well as a further breaking down of external measures and preconceived expectations to surrender to the flow of life, birth and soul.