A question and answer column about mothering with Layla M. Iselin.
Q: I am torn between living my own life and devoting my life to my 3 year old daughter and 7 year old son. Does being a good mother require that I delight in making ginger bread cookies and buying pretend food at the little doll store day in and out? Do I need to shape my life according to my children’s needs and wants or should I get involved in projects of my own and have the kids missing out on time spent with me? It is clear to me that there needs to be some kind of balance. But how to determine that balance? What is best for my kids?
A: What is best for you is best for your kids. This may sound very selfish. You may ask: What if every parent did just that?! One immediately imagines a world full of neglected children crying for their mothers. The home cooked meal would be a thing of the past. Laundromats would be filled with little ones doing their own laundry. Schools would have to close, because the teachers would refuse to educate the misbehaved little horrors.
I doubt it would happen that way. Would it really be best for you as a mother if your kids were crying for you all day, because you were so deeply involved in a fun project of your own? Probably not. On the other hand: is it best for your children to have you at their command? There may be much shortterm happiness in such power. However, I know for myself, I do not really appreciate people who do what I say at their own expense. I like it very much when someone is direct and clear with me. If they tell me what they want I can build trust with them. Our children are no different. We tend to highly underestimate them in general. They are very tuned-in energy systems. They unconsciously sense our weaknesses and strengths and test them. This is part of their growing-up process and they start on day one of their life. On some level it must be disappointing for them to be the centre of attention at any little whim. What a weak world to grow up in.
I remember when my mother “sacrificed” herself for my sister and me it never felt quite right. It felt like a slight burden. On the other hand I fondly remember coming home from school often and my mom being most surprised to see us back already. She had been completely submerged in creating her paintings. Lunch on those days used to be tinned ravioli. I loved those lunches. It seemed like a rich life when mom was happy.
You are asking for the right balance. As long as you look from a “what I should” place you cannot really see clearly what is best for you or your kids. Change your outlook to “what I love.” Not necessarily what you love in a sense of having to find your calling in this life right now. Much easier than that. Noticing the simple little things you love like the milk foam on your cappuccino, the way your daughter throws her arms into the air when she jumps into the pool, writing an email to your friend in Canada, many little moments. See how it feels when you notice these moments. What seemed like a sacrifice of your time may reveal itself as what you actually like most. If in doubt whether to build another sand castle with your son or to continue working on your project, just notice if you are nourishing a love of yours or a should. Be gentle with yourself. Only then can you see what really moves you. It may be different than what you think! Following what you love will quite naturally bring more balance.
I find mothering the most real occupation in life. Real because it is constantly changing. One is always at the very beginning. My boys are teenagers now and again, as a mother I am at the beginning. I have known them for many years. I know their patterns, talents and shortcomings and I still keep discovering. I look into their eyes to see the being they were from the beginning. It still is there. A little more disguised maybe in comparison to when they were babies. They have something to protect now, they are busy shaping their personality. More than ever I am looking for the right balance of how involved to be in their lives. How much of letting them go feels right for me as a mother. When to keep them close. How much to let them find out for themselves. When to tell them exactly how I want things to be done. Again and again I fall into an “I should” instead of a “what nourishes me” mode. I am a slow learner.
As parents we get to show our kids what moves us in life. In that we give them an energetic map to find that for themselves. If we sacrifice our inner knowing for their short-term well being or our short-term peace of mind, they are more likely to be disconnected from finding what they really love in life.
So have fun with little beginnings in balance!
If you have any questions about any topic concerning you and your children, send an email to Layla at
info@byronchild.com
