Ahhh, there is so much to be told.
My name is Aila. I am a mama, the most spiritually and emotionally growing role I have ever taken on. Someone once said to me that motherhood is a fast track to enlightenment and that idea resonates with me. The gifts motherhood has given me- and not all of them without pain- are many, but a deepening of my experience as a being and a woman perhaps the most cherished gift of all.
At this point in my life, my partner Sebastian and I are approaching readiness to conceive our second child. This already has been such a divine path, the creative will to craft another human being; the feeling of the little soul close by.
However, this kind of event does not occur in a vacuum, of course. The conception, pregnancy and birth of this little child happens in a context- my own personal birthing history, the threads that are carried on through me (positively and negatively) from my own generational line and womanhood as a whole, and the society and culture that I will birth this baby in and into.
And herein lays the story.
Firstly, my personal birthing history. My first child, Taj, was born into fear, pain and turmoil. Although I had the intention of birthing naturally, my naivety that intention was enough to create such an experience wasn’t enough. I agreed to a syntocinon induction when I was two and a half weeks past the estimated due date (a decision that was not made lightly), and after two days of excruciatingly painful labour in which I spent the greatest majority of the time looking for external encouragement from the trace machine and in almost panicky fear, my progress was so little that a caesarean was offered- and I willingly took it, being emotionally and physically exhausted, not to mention heavily traumatized. There is much more to be told of that story, but it will wait for another entry.
Secondly, the threads that runs through me from generations past. Just today I have come to see how my the subtle denial of womanhood- beauty, emotionality and other things- within my family created a denial of my own womanhood in myself, and in that, perhaps, an inability to truly let my birth power flow in Taj’s birth. Also, there are common family elements of traumatic births or births into some kind of pain, such as my own- a ‘mistake’ conception that created many ripples across the community into which I was birthed. This appears to have overridden the effect of my mother’s own birthing of me- the story she tells is one of such peace and surrender- an hour long labour which pain was hardly a factor, so easy! But I can now see too, repeated elements in my mother’s birthing and my own- such as my mother not being in the environment she wanted to be (wishing to homebirth but not being able to find a midwife that would support her) and my own experience of “wrongness” in setting.
Of course, there are parts of the generational and collective feminine birthing culture that are able to be viewed, contemplated and put into a ‘box’, and then there is a far greater content that is not yet, or will always be, unknown and inaccessible to me. It is enough at this point to acknowledge that the effects of both generational and collective trauma and generational and collective wisdom will affect my birth of this new child.
And then too, the community and society this baby will be born into.
The community of which I am a part is so supportive and facilitative of the type of holistic and sacred birth experience I envisage as my gift to this baby (and to myself), so much so that the operant culture here differs from the mainstream in its embracing of gentle birthing practices, the awakening that can occur in a pregnant woman, connective parenting…
However, on the wider spectrum, I feel a sense of threat and restriction to the choices I wish to have access to in birth. The greatest desire I have right now is to hire a birth support team- both an independent midwife and a doula or doulas, depending on the needs of my family- to assist me in my journey through pregnancy and through birth. My intention would be to birth at home, in a familiar environment infused with privacy, love and sacredness, with knowledgeable and experienced care providers.
The current political climate is one that looks to disallow this experience, and the midwife that would provide it for me. The current medical climate is, as a VBAC ‘patient’ (and I use that word with disdain, as birth is not an illness, and birthing women are not a group that needs to be “treated”), I will be closely monitored, my movements and positions restricted, time frames enforced, a more clinical experience provided to me- if I am “allowed” to birth vaginally at all.
At this moment, what I fear most is my ability to birth my baby with love, integrity and peacefulness. It is my belief that a peaceful birth imprints a child for an attitude of peacefulness, love and positivity for the lifetime to come. And it is not my body’s ability that I doubt; it’s the maternity system that as I see it fails to hold the space for gentle birth.
I am not against hospital birth. Sometimes it is the best option. However, I do feel that the more interventionist, managed model of birth that exists in the hospital system is not optimum for the baby or mother at any level, and if no medical complication exists for me, then I wish to birth at home. If the government and the medical system lets me!
There’s much more to be said, of free birth, of taking responsibility, of protocol…so much. But that too can wait for another entry, because we have time.
Right now, I am in a place of surrender. Whilst we had intended for this to be our conception month, intuitively I do not feel my body is ready- perhaps the next blog I can go into that more. I have spent four months nurturing my body, my psyche and my family, and feel there is still not only physical but emotional work to be ready to receive this baby in love and trust.
This is the first blog in a series that will take you through my pre-conception, conception, pregnancy, birth and early parenting journey. I look forward to crafting in my words a story that will unfold for you, and for me. I so encourage you as a reader to get involved- to comment, to converse, to help me find the information I need. In the modern age, you are an important part of my sisterhood!
